What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 03:10
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I will be 64.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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My family never makes their pension either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Is the Philippines PH a poor 3rd world or 4th world country forever and forever?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I don,t even have a pension.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why do females hate MGTOW so much?
(And it was in our own minds.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ive learnt so much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Put me off passion for life!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We were not on the streets..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When she asked me how she looked .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im still living with it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But, we were locked up after school.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He knew the spot.
This is soul school!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I have no regrets .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Would this be the day?
She married twice! .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I waited trembling.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So, i spoilt her more .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
What did i know ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i lived it daily.
She was in good health!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was very sick at this time too.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was scared of men, in general
She loved him until the end.
All the time i was locked up.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Comes on , in middle age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I write beautiful poetry .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was 9 years of age.
She found it foreign!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I think the readers, may guess!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So whats the point in blame.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My life is so biszare .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Who then, do I blame.?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I said to her
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.